Are You Searching For You In Me?

Only your perfume scent lingers on my deep mahogany skin

It’s as sweet as my sugar on the good days

For a couple of days in the month

I sit still tracing your bites of passion on my neck, in between my thighs and on my favourite boob

You are yet to name her

Meanwhile your soft delicate fingerprints leave a trail on my lower back

And this trail will lead you back home to me

 

I feel you searching,

Your deep-set stares questioning our mystery

And fighting,

Desperately,

To find You in Me

 

Is it in the way I make you laugh?

Is it in the way I let you grab my hand and all my fears when we cross the street?

Or is it the peaceful silence where only our eyes speak

Or maybe its the way you gently press into me as we hug

Just long enough to let your soul respond to mine

 

It’s been years now

I have shared my hidden parts

Where only God knew

So I have to ask

Have you finally found You in Me?

 

Almost Home

The very first time I heard your laugh,

I slowly gasped my next breath

And went dead quiet on the phone

Your repeated “helloes, hey Nat are you still there”

Let me know that you believed we had lost the connection

But I promise I was still connected

 

The bubbly and deep vibrations in your laugh

Made my eyes squint and prompted the first smile of my day

It’s in these unforgettable minutes and seconds I am reminded of Gods existence

It’s the warm base in your voice that gives me the rare kind of eruptive butterflies

The kind that only begin to fade when I lay my head to rest

 

Admittedly I am drawn to the God in you

The manner in which you chose to love, worship and honour Him

The manner in which that same love overflows and sips out from you into me

It’s in those unforgettable seconds and minutes

That I am reminded of Gods existence.

 

Instinctively I started making plans for us

But just a few nights ago

God laughed so hard it broke me.

 

You didn’t laugh much on our last call

Nor did I gasp, or squint or

Remember that God existed even in the silence

So we sat still and frozen in the dismal echoing silence

Loud Seconds ticking into minutes

And we both knew we had lost the connection.

 

I know now what I was afraid to ask

I know now that you are somebody’s someone

I know now that He proved his existence and brought love to you

And that you have found home

To me

You were almost home…

 

Open Letter To My Bully

You confidently sit across the wooden table

Directly opposite me

Chest out, eyes judging and mind scheming

Intently watching my every move in the hope to see my heart

But today I wore my armour because you are unpredictable in your vileness

It seems over the years

Your ways became as foul as your father’s – devil

 

We all laugh nervously at your jokes

Of course at my expense

In that moment I want to choke on my own saliva

To save the remaining scraps of my dignity

But it’s too late because I have become too numb to stop the madness

 

I maintain a stone cold demeanour

A coping mechanism I have mastered over the years

So that you wouldn’t’ sense my transparent fear

But you know me well and can sense that

I am a few minutes away from a breakdown

And yet you bravely continue poking into healed wounds to see just how much control you still had over me

 

My silence to your jabs is an attempt to save myself

To save the little flames of fire that I have inside of me, for you

But your mockery is too violent a wind for the sparks inside of me

So darkness consumes me

 

It took me a while to write this letter to you

Because for weeks I was unable to articulate the stabbing pain

Of having my fire for you replaced by a midnight darkness

 

Finally I say

You are a coward

Now I think back and I see the fear glistening in your eyes behind those square framed glasses

You enjoyed watching me shrivel down to size just to give the disillusionment that you are larger anymore powerful

You are weak because you chose to use your power to humiliate and embarrass me

You spit words filled with spite and fire to break me

I hope and pray one day those very sharp slicing words choke you when you are deep in your sleep dreaming of me.

An awful taste of your own medicine

 

Its only today that I realised how broken you are

You are more broken than me

The world denied you your healing

But the world isn’t God

god

The problem is your made her your god

You had hoped that she would heal your bleeding wounds

Believed that she would protect you with her life

Hoped that she would bear your sins and burdens on her cross of motherhood

You had silently hoped her to be your I AM

You had hoped that this god would fill the dark bottomless voids of your soul

Prayed she would stop the dark thoughts that consumed and drowned you into the devils abyss

Hoped she would chase and kill the monsters that drove you mad

Then you realised

She’s only human

As frail as the breath you breathe

She’s only human

As irrational and selfish as you are

She’s only but human

As much of a sinner as you are

She’s only but Human

And her love is as conditional as yours

Human: the monsters too frighten her

 

But she couldn’t serve two masters

Herself and her god

So she chose her god

And every other sin she committed

She prayed to her god to set her free so she could be able to set others free

 

And yet you’re still her prisoner

Its unspoken but known.

 

You Are

You are hard in areas you have been told to be soft
You are loud in areas you were taught to be quiet and silent
Brave and feisty in areas you were instructed to be submissive

You become the harsh bitter winter when intruders break into your home
You become an enemy when you say No to their requests
You are everything their mother’s warned them about

You are thorns amongst the pretty delicate flowers
You are rage when injustice is feed to you
You breathe hell when your heaven has been stolen from you
Spit Poison to predators who try to suffocate you

But some days, just some
You are sunshine
The kind that is warm and forgiving
You are pink
soft and delicate like when He kisses you                                                                                  Sweet like your favourite home made pineapple gelato                                                             You are everything you have been told to be only because you want too

You are You
Beautiful

Moments of Honesty

Moments of Honesty

Your small hooded eyes interlock with mine, only for a brief honest moment

It was never intended. Last I remember eye contact was never your strength.

But,

I still caught a glimpse of the raindrops forming in your eyes

I still heard the rushing of blood to your already swollen ears

I was more than prepared for the heavy rain; after all it was the season.

As I narrate my story to you

Cautiously picking the right words

In an attempt to not paint it as bad as it is

But,

Fear and panic uninivitedly engulf my throat and my voice begins to quiver

It’s not a story I enjoy to remember and re-telling it to a soul except my own was hair rising and spine chilling

I watch your soul depart from God; shattering into more pieces I cannot collect and reassemble

Then it hits me that your promise to catch me when I fall is rendered Void.

Your fingers spread and grasp onto rage, anger and disappointment

I couldn’t read your mind but I could feel the tremors of all your brewing emotions beneath my seat.

It’s been a few hours since we had our moment of honesty

The story has muted you into a state of shock

Wars have begun to form. Blood will be shed.

I wish I had known that

Moments of truth are never free.